So, I finished reading Dan Brown‘s ANGELS & DEMONS last week (a much better book, by the by, than THE DA VINCI CODE, despite my belief that Brown is unable to write expositionless dialogue, and I once again find myself marveling at why some books are swept up by mass audiences while others aren’t) which, as those of you who have read it will recall, is in part concerned with the selection of a new Roman Catholic Pope.

But: did you know that the guy in Rome isn’t really the Pope? That’s right. The REAL Pope lives in Delia, Kansas. He wants to make sure that we don’t read bad books, aren’t addicted to television, and refrain from drinking too much soda pop.

You can check in with him if you like, but you should bear in mind that the Pope is having computer problems and might not get back to you right away.